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a piece of my mind

A Thousand NO!!!!! And then its all melancholy…

How a modern adult tries to sail in the tsunami of family’s traditional values?

I lay on the bed every night, looking at the ceiling, wishing, hoping, desperately praying (if you know, I do not believe in god), to meet that one person who will mean everything for me in my life. I am 26 year old and my parents think I am old enough for them to start looking for a bride for me. I know some of you are judging me for letting my parents do me the honour. But, I could only wish for you to be from a Tamil Brahmin Iyer family. So, this article is a follow up, as I promised in the last article.

She told me, “That’s how I and your father got married”. Is this reason good enough for me to allow myself be shepherded by the supposedly “well tested” theoretical horoscope based marriage? I contest by arguing with her my belief of what marriage is all about. I struggle to explain and make her believe, when I plead her, “ Mom, marriage is what two people decide to have when they both are so in love with each other. Marriage is the result of love ( for the sake of society, for all i care, two people need not get married and yet live together forever. But, to entertain my family, I agree to get married anyway).” while my parents tell me, get married and one would eventually love the other. Isn’t this the wrong reason to be getting married?

This is how life has been happening in south India and in my immediate and extended family as well. But, am I wrong in hoping and wishing for a partner who would suit me in every possible way and want to get married to me because she loves me, knows me, rather than, marry me because her parents (or the horoscope) feel I am the right match for her? Every time my parents try to set me up with someone (there have been quite a few in these recent days) , and every time i have to say No for one reason or the other. I feel terrible. As if, I am being judgemental about others.

Would it count as being judgemental, if its for the future? Like, the future of the rest of my life, my wife, my supposed kids, grandkids. My entire lineage. Isn’t it better to tell a no now, rather than go with the pressure or the flow, just so that I have someone in my life and later be unhappy or regretful about this decision of mine? I do not want to end up cursing my parents for pushing me into this. I want it to be my decision, our (me and the girl) – our decision!!!

So, i came up with the plan of talking to the girl for few days, weeks, as long as it takes for both of us to educatedly decide, to subconsciously fall in love, to marry. This scheme seems to be completely unacceptable and incomprehensible to my “imperial age” parents and to the similarly adjectived parents of most of the girls I have encountered so far. I had to stop proceeding with one such match, just because the girl felt a week was enough to decide and get married. I was disheartened. Some of the episodes I have had, have been quite knowledgeable, like the one time where the father of the bride approached me at the park I was working out ( that was the first time, a father ever approached me, no one taught me how to react to that). May be I would write short posts of all such experiences later. But…..

I am super confused right now. I would not say that I am not interested in the concept of living with a partner. I do want one to share my happiness with, connect on an emotional level, be available and have someone to be available for me too. It’s all too selfish and yet completely human. If you could make sense of whatever I said, please share your valuable views in the comments.

By A lost Soul at Sea

a passionate writer who also happens to be a mechanical engineer and a sailor

4 replies on “A Thousand NO!!!!! And then its all melancholy…”

Arav, I connect absolutely to this post as a Tambrahm mom and surprisingly, when I read this post, I could hear the same in my daughter’s voice. It is quite a difficult place to be for me as I am caught between the stereotypes and as the person who sees the sensibility behind the argument. Would love to know your interactions with the bride’s father in the park 😂 – True that nothing prepares you to this kind of situation.

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Well, I would be writing about it in a subsequent article. But, it is this change of mindset that we require in the parents. May be the next generation would be fortunate enough if people like us understand what life is, in the 21st century and maybe decide to break the stereotypes.

P.S. that’s one lucky daughter you have. I hope she gets to do what she wants, the way she wants it, with your casual guidance.

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