a piece of my mind

#25 Love You Enough to Let You Go

This one dedicated to the one girl who loves me so much beyond her dearest things and dreams. I will not name her because I want her to be anonymous. Perhaps everybody has had or will have one such thing in their life, I have had many such episodes but this one is anchored deep in my heart. Every guy would wish that he would be loved by someone who waits for you more than an year and still loves you more than ever and does everything for you. If not all, I am fortunate to have found her. Actually, it was she who found me not the other way round. I was in second year of my college when she first happened.
I would never deny the fact that I did feel the spark between us even when we talked for the first time. She was a drama queen, would never forget that either. Such dialogues, oh my god, she was supposed to be a Bollywood script writer. Yet, did I feel it cute ? Yes. How couldn’t I? That was my weakness, I like to take care of innocent people. And she is one. In the next few months we both knew that we were meant to be together or so she thought. Then came my guilt for keeping it from my parents.

I am from a super orthodox family and a society. I am like a monkey in a group of lambs. Completely off their graph. You know, being in India and a south Indian Brahmin, you have lots of restrictions. But I would not blame them for anything because, I am what I am because of them, not all because of them, just the good part of me. And she was not from around here. And I knew that this would be an issue in the fore coming future and I would end up getting hurt and hurting her or my family. So it was like a situation for me where I had to get hurt for definite but also hurt my family or her. What would you do?

I chose my parents, given the fact that I was here and I am this because of them. And it was better to hurt her now and less rather than hurt her late but too much. I talked to her about this. She was like we can make them agree and all. But I know my parents and do you think I took that decision without trying to convince my parents first? She agreed to whatever I said and stayed calm or so I imagined. After month she did come back.

And there started our one year journey where she clenched on to me. It kept going, my denial and her patience and belief that I would come around. I would never confess the fact to her at face that I loved that attitude of hers. She clinched so hard that I would be forced to love her back by having no options left. And she was possessive as well, yet another character of hers that takes me to my knees. And never did I realise that it had been an year so soon. She was still there. And I gave up. I liked her back, finally.

But, again this thoughts of my family came in my mind and I never would like to see her hurt. I did not want to see her devastated when we separate after few years. It would be so hard for her and for me as well. So, we are through and I am not in regular contact with her except for few occasional messages. Lucky me.

But this is hard for me than I thought it would be. And it is getting harder. Every time I see her picture in my mobile. I get teleported to the beautiful time she spent with me. I feel weak that I will go back to her again and will again hurt her. I am writing this here only because I want to take it off my chest.

And this might seem like love, but no what I have is not love, it is kind of a sympathy and care for a friend. And I do not want this sympathy to be the reason for love as it will seem awkward to me even if she is fine with that. But she will always be my friend. I have no idea how to make her understand this. Every time she sends a text stating she misses me. I feel so guilty. I hope I feel better after writing here. And yeah I kind of feel lighter too.

Anyway got to go.  Bye take care. Until next time. (:

By A lost Soul at Sea

a passionate writer who also happens to be a mechanical engineer and a sailor

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