I am going to share some of my deepest feelings, never let out, never even been close to overcoming it and those that keeps on growing everyday.
Have you ever felt guilty? Has your conscience eaten you up? Have you struggled hard to over come it?
Well, I feel these daily, the guilt of not being a good son, the guilt of not being there for my friend, the guilt of letting her go and the guilt of never telling these out.
Today, I don’t know about other things but I will be overcoming one for sure. I am going to let it all out,
(Not every thing at once, but slowly, in many posts)
As I have mentioned, I am pursuing my bachelor’s in mechanical engineering and I live in my college hostel. Am far as my memory goes and if it serves right, I have always hurt my mother and father. They have always wished good things for me But I have been a very selfish guy. I have always outspoken them and never cared about their feeling. Even now, I don’t talk to them on a daily basis. We talk once in two or three days, that too because they miss me, I don’t miss people that much. According to me, Its just a mere formality to say that I missed them. I don’t know how it feels to miss someone really bad that we jump to cloud nine when we talk to them. No, nata, never. I am a little disconnected to people’s feelings generally. Not on purpose but in a defective piece kind of way. I talk well and good, I make them smile and laugh, I have fun, I enjoy to the core, But? I don’t miss them. I am a survivor, adaptable person.
This has been really problematic at times. People expect me to miss them, talk to them even when am busy ( I am not blaming them or offending them in any manner), But I just don’t feel the urge. It’s how I am. I am busy. When I don’t feel this with my parents, I don’t see the point when some of my friends expect these from me.
Back to the parent’s thing, I love my parents, we all do. But I am different, I can’t show it, I can’t be that dramatic ( I am a good drama artist though), it’s not that I can’t, I won’t. I don’t want to be fake to my parents at least ( not that I have been fake to all) . I have done this to few friends, because, I like them and I care about them but I don’t miss them.
As I mentioned before, I have few friends but many acquaintance. Maybe this is the reason. And I don’t want to loose the ones whom I have. I love these handpicked, I just don’t show them.
When my parents left me in the hostel for the first time ever. I saw my mom crying, tears welled up her eyes and the gravity did its part.. I still remember that very image. My dad driving the car and my mom waving at me. They were letting me to stay out for the first time. It was not their choice to leave me in hostel, I was the one who wanted to stay in hostel, I wanted to show them that I could live by myself. But the stupid me didn’t realise that I wouldn’t get anything by doing that, it was just the urge to project myself as a cool dude
( actually, its worth nothing ).
I was happy with them, very much, but I won’t admit it. Just to prove my point that I was independent and cool. I don’t regret it though. I just wonder, how can I be like this? Actually, can anyone else be this way too? I am not detached, neither am I attached too much. I won’t show it. I guess now I am just beating around the Bush.
I have a friend ( only a good friend, don’t start building castles in air), her name? Lets say S. I know her since my 8th grade. We have been best friends since our 10th grade. There were many ups and downs. Well, it happens everywhere.
But I was too stupid, this very same reason separated me from her too. She cried for me. She missed me, But I just couldn’t show. A lot of locked up feelings inside me. She needed me, I was an absentee, she messaged me but I was ignorant to her then she lost her cool and called me, I was speechless, she kept questioning, each one bombarding over me, making deeper injuries every time, all I had to say was “sorry, I miss you too”, but I said “sorry. I decided to move on from our friendship”(How idiotic? ). That was not true, I just wanted her to leave me and go. So that she won’t be hurt again. I even made her say,.” I am starting to hate you“, that’s what I wanted. But she? Never did leave, she fought for me, a true friend. She said she still needed me. She knew I was faking it,( a true friend) And now I am in better terms with her again. I try not to spoil it.
She said, “You are not so bad after all“.
I have a funny picture of her to upload in my blog, Ms.Facepack. But, if I did , this would be my last post. She would bury me alive. :p
Well, even though we are in good terms. I have that glitch in me. A guilt, which keeps reminding me that I made her cry, I made her sad, Am not good for her. I don’t deserve her friendship… I bet, if I tell this to her face. I will get kicked in my ass, for she was, she is and always will be my best friend. (:
I sincerely hope that I get to feel all those emotions, I want to miss people, tell them that I love them, mean it when I say it. And I will work for it. And I won’t let this be a guilt.
If u have some advices that might help me to overcome my feelings Or guide Towards a new me. Do comment and help me. Thank you.. (: