The Perplexing Patience 

They say, patience is a virtue well learnt when one is left at the mercy of nature. I beg to differ, patience is a virtue, well learnt when one is left at the mercy of a women. I have been waiting for quite some time now, literally and metaphorically, but I cannot seem to develop patience. How can I? When I am so desperate for a touch of my past

But, empty mind is devil’s playground and at this moment of emptiness in my life, I am the devil and the only thing I feel I am destroying, is most fortunately, myself. But sometimes, it is important to destroy something to remake it. Maybe a better version of it. I have heard of a practice in Japan/china (I do not know where exactly, but definitely one of these). A ceramic plate/dish/artwork, once shattered, if not thrown away, but joined together, using gold. Thus it looks something like the image featured (Oh yes, it’s called kintsugi, just found out when I was Googling for an image) Isn’t it wonderful? Now that I am often the centre of cluster of earthquakes, I am the ceramic plate. Shattered, it definitely is, but, will try to move on. 

It is time to wear the damage as a shield, and wear it proud, as people are made by experiences and mine is one of a kind too. My friend said, “maybe you are in denial?”. I replied, “I would rather not think about it, as I am scared”, but, the sad truth is, I can never stop thinking about it. It goes way down/deep. It haunts me.

There is a fine line between denial and hope. And I am right in the centre of it. 

And in the struggle to balance the scale towards hope, I am loosing myself. Though I have recently started sharing my plight with my friends, I am not an expert in sharing personal experiences, atleast verbally. These friends have been great help and I only wish I had shared sooner. But, there is a limit to everything, how far can they hold me from crossing the line? Or am I even on the line as I think, or is it way past? To say is Joey style, “the line is a dot to you…”. Sorry about that, could not resist referring F.R.I.E.N.D.S

So, take the weakness and wear it like an armour. It can no more hurt us. Now that I am suited properly for the war, I shall continue to face the battle while I progress to get my past back to present. 

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The duality of life

Our mind is wired in a very complex way. They say hello and heaven may or may not exist. But now, I am loving the life in hell and heaven, not even being sure  which one at what time. But in both of them none the less. I have been trying to get my past back to my life for sometime now and I am not willing to give up. I am ready to wait, as long as it takes. I even promise it that I will be slow this time. Much slower, so that my past can take it’s time to sink into my present without any rush. 

Now, I am in heaven and my day is the best day ever, when my past discusses itself with me, Shares it’s thoughts and interest. But, what do I do when my words are not reaching it? It’s like I have been shut out. There is a place in-between this feeling where I am not sure, what happened, why did it happen, what wrong did I do again? I get only one answer, I care too much. But, is caring ever too much, do you not care for your mother, father, brother, sister, friends? I care more for that past. 

And it is hell when it is waiting time. For the care to reach my past. The mind contemplates all sort of things till it gets a response. And that is hell. When you imagine or think about something, you tend to imagine the worst possible situation. It does more harm than the situation actually is. 

I just hope that, my past comes back to my present. Please pray for me. 

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I want my muse back

Dear past, 

So, here I am. So many hearts broken. So many tears shed for me. So many people let down. So many calls left unanswered, so many messages ignored, so many promises broken. And now, i remember the words, “we get what we deserve”. If so many sins I committed decided to come back and haunt me, it would not be possible, but life has a crazy way of teaching you a lesson. It makes you go to the past. That one past, that one heart that matters, the one drop of tear that could soak you completely, that one person you never wanted to let down, that one call you wished you had answered, that one message you needed to read, that one promise, you did not mean to break, that one mind that you wish believed you now.

It is basically not the past, it is the future I wish I have now. That past, I fell for it. Life says, “Gotcha!!”. Now that life has me by the neck, it can teach me a lesson and so it chooses to, it’s payback time. And that one past, which I willfully treaded back to, decided to break my heart , in so many pieces, that I have broken now, in my lifetime, a piece for each piece of each heart broken by me. I shed One tear for each tear shed for me till now, and same worth of messages I ignored, be ignored by that past in the present. 

I had lost my muse to the cruelties of an egoistic and narsistic life. The ego consumed my muse but now, to get that past back in my future and present, I had to kill my ego. My past was my muse. The one which I obliterated without even noticing. 

Now, I only wish, I get that muse back, because she was my past, she is my present and she will be my future. For, that muse inspires me. For that muse drives me, and for that muse, fuels me. Once a muse, always a muse, you will be. My dear past, please become my present and future. 

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This is good-bye. 

Dear all, 

Thank you for sticking to me for 2 years. It has been a wonderful experience. I have learnt a lot, I have shared a lot and I have learnt to write, a lot.

Life has been easy by sharing all the things with u all. On. A regular basis. But, I feel that I need to get more bold, and I am not strong enough for that maybe. I am not as bold and audacious as I think I am. Maybe because I am getting conscious of my words and my readers. 

There was a time when I used to write anything and everything I felt like. Being frank, open and care-free. What’s the worst that could happen ? That was what I thought. I am not proud to tell this but I am guilty. I have not been completely honest in some of my posts. And it is because I realised some of my readers are people I know personally. Sometimes, this affected me to be very frank. Because I do not want them to know I could think like this, curse people , get angry, feel lonely, hurt, or turned on. There is a whole list of emotions which cannot be shared with people who are close to you, atleast not with the identity revealed. 

If you have stuck with me for this long, I really want to thank you all for the support. Your comments gave me encouragement, your thoughts powered my ideas and your passion for reading feeds my passion for writing. I just want to tell that, I have not been honest but I have not lied either. It’s either true or the fact is missing. Not a lie. 

One of the reason for me to start writing this blog was that I did not want to lie. I was done with altering the truths, I wanted to embrace myself for who I am, what I have done. They may be anything, but they are my deeds, if I do not accept that, I am not worthy enough of any compliments I get either. 

I used to believe that I am very unique and all the thoughts I get cannot be fathomed by anyone else. Until recently, life has been very creative and informative. It’s become a mentor, it just knocked my doors and took me for a bull back ride around the world, through different kinds of people. And what happened next , I never thought I would be saying this or accepting it. Everybody thinks that, of not same only better than me.  Am not unique , there are many other guys who are handsome too, I am not the smartest. If I am anything, I am arrogant, dominant, a relationship fearing, over egoistic, atheist. 

There are still few things that I cannot tell here. And that is what that irritates me. This maybe be one of the longest post I have written in recent times, cause I am letting out all the feelings. The next time I write, it’s going to be anonymous. I am going to vanish . Be invisible , and yet leave my mark on this world. 

For all I can say, thank you for the 100 + subscribers, 200+ likes and thousands of views. If it really is a small world, you will find a post and recognise me maybe. Have a good one. Sorry for the countless autocorrected spelling mistakes. I will always respect all of you, cause you ate the reason I write. This is a bye, but not the end. After all, I will always write, if not here, then somewhere. 

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The Trans-Border Experience. Day 3

First of all, I want to thank all off you for sticking to this journey till day 3. And by the way, I did visit the monastry. As I entered the premise, there happened to be ritual place, that’s shown below. People make a wish and bring those things to the monastry and tie them across the ground. 1 rope with all those cloths in it is needed for 1 wish. 

The monastry was so well located that we could see India from there. It was actually so well placed on the mountain to give great views. There was a royal house near the monastry which is unfortunately not publicly accessible. The guards always stay on alert and they step forward telling that the area is restricted. 

There is a tradition in Bhutan (more like a compulsion), that every building must house the picture of the king. Not to be interfering in international affairs but it seemed rather pathetic and a little attention craving act by the royal family to enforce such a norm. 

So, I had a great and refreshing time in Bhutan. It was time for my train back to kolkata. So, I had to leave. So I said, until next time. And as a souvenir I brought 1 ngultrum with me. It’s the currency of Bhutan. And also a memory of mine. 

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The 2nd Anniversary. I will always write

It’s just been two years and you already know everything about me. The kind of person i am, the things that make me laugh. The things that make me cry, the things that make me go bonkers, the things I love, the feelings that I suffer, the touches I miss, you are the perfect one for me. 

I remember the first time we met. 18-Jan-2015. 11:30pm. I never knew I will stick to you for two years. This would be my longest commitment, I guess. So, my blog is two years old tonight. 155 posts, 99 followers, and a lifetime of memories already. I have a better commitment and relationship status with my blog, than any of my mortal-non-imaginary relationships I have had over these years. 
And to just say in one line, I am glad I chose this, and I love writing with all my heart. We have been through some tough times (all those things we had been through), some ignorant times( when I couldn’t find time for you), some angry moments (when you wouldn’t just make sense), and yet, every time I returned to you only with the non-serene motive of self-comfort,  you still accepted me. And that is why I have never lied to you. 

Over these years, if I look back the timeline, I came to you at the very beginning, for one purspose, you changed that and made me realise that I could not just exist without you. So, today I confess my love and tell about this 2 year long relationship to everyone. Yes, I am in love. I love writing, I am in love with words, I just fall for them every time I type and I am really mean this when I say, I will never leave you till the end. 

And I just hope that our babies (I mean, the posts and articles, for those who could not get the analogy), by likes by many many readers worldwide and share our love story. 

If dumbledore asked me, “after all these years?”

Me (snape), “always”. 

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The Trans-Border Experience. Day 2

I had a good sleep for that night but the AC was not very user-friendly. It was better turned off than, even at 30 deg C (that bloody thing won’t just heat the room, can you imagine a hardware malfunction at that temperature location.?) Though the room I stayed in looked like a deluxe suit, I spent 15 minutes searching for the dental kit and shaving kit. Turns out, they do not provide it, and that is not so mandatory to be a 3 star in bhutan (well, I do not imagine them needing a razor, they all seem as smooth as an egg shell). 

That’s the hotel I stayed in. By the way, let me show you the view from my balcony. Maybe that’s why it is a 3-star hotel. (; 

I felt the same way, they have an awesome maintained soccer turf. Though I never saw anyone play there, they still got it. That’s the point. Look at the cleanliness. And the country has mountains on all sides. The thing is everything is made on a mountain. The roads, houses, clubs, even that turf is on a levelled elevation. 

I went to do some work and it was a long day. I couldn’t do all the plans that day, it was evening in an instant. I wanted to visit a monastery in Bhutan. It was a little further in and possibly the only tourist attraction that would not require a permit to visit. And since I did not have the permit, I wanted to visit only that. 

The road was dark and a little scary. But the best thing about this country is that people do not overtake. Being from India, a country where every quarter of a signalled road is a race track, this came as quite a shock to me. It’s a crime to overtake here. And nobody blew the horn. So many vehicles and yet so calm. The only thing that broke the nature’s serene calmness was the crackling sounds of the man-made engines. 

That’s the gate through which we enter Bhutan. Traditional right? 

So, continuing, I went to the monastery but it was too late for the day. It was 6, and already too dark which made them close the monastry. I returned to my room with a thought to bother me in my mind. If I could make it to the place before leaving tomorrow. I ordered good Indian food for dinner and retired for the day. 

Stick around for day 3, did I go to the monastry ? 

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The Trans-Border Experience. Day 1

The moment the car drove past the gate, it was like the someone took out the place and have it a jerk and all the dirt and dust fell out of the planet. The place was so clean, you could literally see the change if you just step across the border. It is like the nature aware of this man made division of counties where the climate changes in an instant. And yeah, Bhutan is really one of the cleanest places I have seen. 

Ok, so, I reached cooch behar, and completed the official work and departed for Jaigaon. It took about 2-3 hours to reach, and that was because of the reckless driving (that comes with the job description, just kidding). The route to Jaigaon was the kind of road which anybody who knows driving, would love to ride and that too at the top speed. It was as if a ruler(scale) was used to draw that road on the face of the world, like a stroke between cooch behar and hasimara. 

It was confusing to imagine wether we were really climbing high or the clouds suddenly lost altitude (it later turned out to be smog). But as the picture shows, the road was straight as a bullets path (speaking of straight bullet paths, I recently saw the movie “wanted” where they bend bullet’s path. I was like, how lame must I have been to like that movie few years ago. Rofl) 

Anyway, I reached Jaigaon and as it was dark I didn’t snap a picture of the gate at the border (I did it the next day, will show in next post). The moment we entered Jaigaon, it started raining out of no where. And then we reached phuentsholing, Bhutan. As I said before the city was pretty clean but let me not spoil it by telling everything that happened on day 1 post itself. I want to remain as coherent as possible. (Like, that ever happened!!!) 

My hotel was a pretty nice one. I had decided to stay in phuentsholing, though my work was in Jaigaon( India). Didn’t make much of a difference in the cost. Guess what, I even had a bath tub and a guest room in the front. I was in love with my job already but this was much better. I ordered dinner and retired for the night. Fingers crossed, for next day to be fun after my official work was done. 

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My First Business Trip

If you had been following my previous posts, you would know that I recently got a job and was posted in Kolkata. Anyway, it’s been a month here and i am already going on. Business trip. Hehehe. I am waiting for the time when the immigration guy asks me, “business or pleasure”, and I reply, “a bit of both” ( i know that this situation is totally unrelated to my present situation, but who cares). 

I am going to visit coach behar and Jaigaon. Now, I have heard that these two places, are very close to Bhutan, as in, Jaigaon, form the border of India and Bhutan. Being an Indian, my driving license seems promising enough to get me through the border (I am taking my passport Anyway, just in case). So, apart from the official purpose, I do have some things in my mind. 

The first and the must would be to take a selfie with one leg in Bhutan and the other one in India, and ofcourse post it on instagram, binational for that moment. 😂 and then, I would also want to visit some places inside Bhutan (I  heard there is a monastery, and it reached my ears that the geographical beauty of that place is exquisite. 

I would be reaching cooch-behar tomorrow morning and Jaigaon, by tomorrow night. So, I will keep you posted. By the way, until then, I can show you the Sealdah railway station. Not so technologically advanced or anything but very crowded. I like it though. 

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Those things do happen

She said, “I will see you later”, while she closed the cab’s door. And the cab started to leave. Wait, let’s go back some time. So, it was a regular Monday at work. As always, we had the weekly video conference. And as always, it got late. So, I had missed my ride back home and one of my colleague offered to drop me some distance closer to my home. 

I booked an olashare (am sure you must have guessed it by now). And I got in the front seat (if only I had gotten in the back one). I hadn’t noticed anyone in the rear seat when I got it and I was talking to the driver as always. Then I called my mom and had a quick chat with her. 

“Was that Tamil or Malayalam?”, she asked. “Tamil, hi, am Aravindha”, I extended my hand. That’s how it started. We talked all the way and it was nice to meet a new person. See, this is what I love in Kolkata, people are open and receptive. Anyway, back to the story, we talked al the way, bla bla bla and it was all very nice. 

So there we were, in the cab, she closed the door, and said, “I will see you soon” (or something like that). And the moved away. Wait a minute, it was I who was in the car. So, I continued talking to the driver about his life (you know, the regular over indulging me). I was feeling pretty good after that short yet nice chat with her (By the way, her English was goooood). That is when I turned back. 

There, I was thrilled for a moment. I laughed for a minute, was this really happening? They happen only in movies. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know. I had never been in such a situation. (Well, I could have just left, as if I never saw it?) oh am soo sorry, so, there it was. Her purse on the rear seat. 

I took it and called her. She gasped like “haaaawwwww”(that was funny). Then she decided to come get it from me. She came near my house, I walked half way and met her on the street. Showed my chivalry by returning the purse (now do not ask me why didn’t I take it to her place, it just didn’t occur to me, 😅😬).

And we did have dinner together. I knew I would be meeting her sometime soon, but this was rather too soon, haha. But, we talked a lot and it was fun getting to know her. After all, now I finally found a person who loves travelling a lot. Anyway, the most exciting part, I am gone learn rock climbing soon. She agreed to teach me. 

Am gonna be climbing rocks, Na Na Na naaanaaaaa. 

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